kids

SATURDAY, MAY SEVENTEENTH TWO THOUSAND EIGHT. bre's secret diary thoughts.

"Writing the date out the long way makes me remember what I thought outloud to Sarah in the shade of the other day.. How sometimes I just feel the age of the earth underneath my young feet, all the civilizations today is built on, all we think we know.. I think and wonder why it's taking so long for this world to end, and I think it has something to do with how big God is. Some people can't see how the God of the old testament is the same God who sent Jesus; but there are so may sides and pages yet to be revealed to help us understand the meaning of all of God's beautiful names, that each of us needs to know. He is the Lion and the Lamb, the great "I am," and of course it takes a long time for such an unworthy reation to display his glory. And yet He chose us, and He will not abandon us. He has faith in us.. I told Otto last night, I was having a moment when listening to him talking by the fading fire.. I said that he other day (I remember where I was, coming back from the beach, just coming out of that brick alley onto the sandy street) I heard a faint whisper from God, a new, foriegn thought, a tight question presented itself right in front of me that I am no where near at the bottom of yet, that will make me examine a lot of the things I've done and will do....

I think God wants me to learn to believe in people more. This is such a huge side of God that I think I've sort of missed for a while, I haven't been swallowed up in this flame yet, the flame of love for his people, his kids, that he actually trusts with bearing his name, He has faith in his creation, enough so to give us free will and not interfere when we are learning to walk and choose and we trip and fall in all the holes he warned us about. He actually rejoices over us too.

Otto said he has tried to communicate a picture of fatherhood to his kids, to help them to understand more of his love and fear for them. He said sometimes it's like standing on the other side of a glass wall. They can see eachother and wave, but sometimes he's begging and pleading for them to hear his voice and they don't, he can see what's ahead of them sometimes, because he's been there, he can see the cracks and holes even as they fall into them and it hurts so bad. Each of his kids love differently, and he said he believes when children are young it's so important for their dad to be there, that htey may learn eachother's communication, in love and warning, sadness and worry and joy and calm, even if it's just carried in his eyes, he said he hoped he could somehow get a look across and that his kids could see and understand so that in the future they could communicate and listen to eachother better.

In Otto I saw another glimpse of God, his father's heart. Even all the way down here in creation. So God trusts us somehow. He belsses us with out guaruntee of return or being blessed back. He allows us to bear his name.

I am turning to realize that I am learning to trust my heavenly Father's character, I know He sill not fail because He is love, He doesn't change. I also know that people will dissapoint and fail me, I have see it's true. I am weak too. But I think God wants to restore and retrieve something in me there. He is crazy about His kids, and really believes in them, He really believes in me, has invested in me and wants me to love in fire and action and word and deed, he wants me to believe in his people too. How can I go walking around with this ugly crown on my head, this 'maturity,' to know the world isn't a perfect placea nd people will always fail, yes, both these are true I think, until Heaven comes, but there is sitll room to be a child. There has to be...

Or else who is going to run to Jesus?

The disciples were rebuked for hindering them. Kids still remember so many of the things the rest of the world has forgotten, like how to question without fear of the answers, how to trust, how to believe and hope and never pity themselves. This is partly why kids are usually so photogenic. they are naively aware of so many mysteries and are beautifully transparent in brilliant simplicity. .... To know someone may never kick their addiciton or pay me back or say the words I want them to say, and love them anyway, with unswerving faith in God's grace for them.

Yea. This is someone I'd like to be. And maybe I will fail at least most of the time, but I know all God desires of me is to be his daughter, to need Him and know it, and accept his provision."